No Calling or Texting, right?

I have made it through 1/2 a day at work without contacting him.  And I made it the first hour and a half without crying.  Progress. 

I want to reach out to him so much.  I tell myself that I just want to check in on him and his daughter.  I just want to make sure he is ok.  But I have to take responsibility and know that part of the reason he is NOT ok is because of me.  And I also know that it is more than me wanting to check up on him.  It is me not wanting to lose the bond and the connection to him. 

I have set a goal of no romantic relationships for 1 year.  I don't want this heartbreak again.  I want to be able to stand on my own and to know that I will not crumble if someone doesn't love or accept me.  And I want to stop crying at work.  This is getting embarrassing. 

I do miss him, though.  Everyone tells me that I just miss the thought of him.  But it's more than that.  I miss HIS presence, not just a presence.  I miss HIS voice, not just a voice.  I just want to call him so bad.  Just once.  But just one drink landed me in the ER.  I'm afraid if I start, I won't stop.  And then I won't get over this heartache.